I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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