I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize