Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
