textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
