Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
