My hand turned me down
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
