did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
