I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
