My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
