My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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