in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
