Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
