i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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