weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize