I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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