Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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