I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
