Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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