i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
