so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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