my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
