It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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