Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
