These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
