I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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