I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
