if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
