I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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