If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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