I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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