Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Mom said you looked used
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
