talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
