Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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