my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize