Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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