yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
