I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
