my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
