when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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