My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
