We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
