About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
