sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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