Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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