haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
