Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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