Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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