dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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