My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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