You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
