I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
