just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
