I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
