she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
