I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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