I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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