If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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