Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
