look no pants
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize