i would punch a child for taco bell
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
