does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
