how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
