Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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