Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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